As most of you know, In the last year and a half I've put a huge emphasis on "fitness" in my life. I've shared my journey on a group facebook page, Instagram, and even my personal page.
Like anyone else who's put themselves out there in the public eye, I've been met with both praise, and a whole lot of criticism...
Today I'm going to address some of those criticisms by telling the story of why I started my fitness journey - what caused me to "fall off the wagon" - and the reason I'm getting back up and never letting anything push me down again!
Most people have a story where they were bullied or called names, but for the most part, mine isn't like that.....I don't even really know where my insecurities come from - they've just always been there. Could it have been the struggles I saw my mom go through when I was younger?Could it be the things I heard my friends say? Could it be an influence from the media or the pictures of super models that id clip out from the magazines? Sure....that could all play a part in it...
Let's jump right to grade 6 - I was the chunky girl. All of my friends were tiny and pretty, and I was the girl struggling to fit into the jeans my mom just ordered for me from seats....nobody really commented on it, but I knew it.
Moving into high school my self esteem issues only became more severe, it wasn't that my friends were more "popular" with the boys or that I was bullied - I was just never the "thin & pretty" friend. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, I wore big baggy sweaters & jeans to cover my body, and getting into a pair of shorts for gym class was mortifying....
I didn't eat a lot, I started limiting myself to about 600 calories a day, and I hoped that would help. It didn't, of course...when I looked in the mirror, I still hated the person I saw looking back at me.
In grade 10 we moved to a small town, where I met a lot of great friends.....I confided in one of these friends about how I was feeling, and found that she felt the same way - I was BLOWN AWAY by this. This girl was (is) gorgeous - if you looked up the perfect body that every girl wants - you would have found a photo of her......this only made things worse for me...and heres where things got really messy.
She taught me about "purging", and this became an addiction for me - this is something nobody knew, most people STILL don't know.
It was grade 11 when I started "purging" ....for a whole year, I couldn't keep food in my stomach for more than an hour without feeling like I was going to gain 10lbs on the spot - not only that but I became involved with an abusive guy who not only compared me to every other girl, but also made sure to point out every flaw I had. He'd pinch my love handle until it was bruised, saying "well if you'd get off your ass or eat a little less you wouldn't HAVE this to grab"
It was horrible - just a very sad and scary time in my life. At that point, there was nothing that I could've done to make it better.
It wasn't until I got pregnant (at 17 - not with the abusive douche) and had my daughter that i realized I had to get healthy and do this the right way. It wasn't at all about being "skinny" it was about being FIT. being healthy......The thought of having my daughter(s) treat themselves the way id been treating myself absolutely terrified me. To make a long (10 years long) story short, I started working out, but was still never fully happy with my body or my appearance........I was like a yoyo. I'd get "fit", fall of the wagon, gain weight, and start the cycle all over again.
In late 2012 I hit my highest weight (168) without being pregnant, and decided enough was enough! I started eating clean, working out, and finally got to a place where I felt comfortable! I had never felt so good in my life. I was happy, confident, and I felt beautiful! it helps to have such an amazingly supportive man in my life :)
I started posting what I was doing and my progress to keep myself accountable - and then I was hit with a whole other slew of issues....people would comment on my photos telling me to stop fishing for compliments, accusing me of "starving myself", complaining that I was bragging and trying to bring the people who were struggling with their weight down, etc etc. When in reality, I was TRYING to do the exact opposite. I wanted to motivate, I wanted to be an inspiration.....this is where I fell off the wagon, again.
We started going through some really stressful times financially. I was working two jobs, trying to keep myself on track, tending to kids, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got really sick (burnt out), depressed, and I just stopped caring.
Looking back I wish I would have just slowed down, kept taking care of myself, and realized that if I would've kept doing that, I wouldn't have gone into such a deep depression. Working out does so much more for you than just improving your physical health, it does wonders for your mental health too. It's not about being "skinny" - I want to be FIT - I want to be HEALTHY!
All of that brings us to now....I'm making a commitment to myself, and my family..I'm going to work hard to become the best ME I can be! I want to be a positive influence in my kids lives. I want to show my girls how to grow up to be healthy girls, and teach them why it's so important to love themselves - and same with my boys....I'm making a commitment to Cris - to love myself the way he loves me, not hide away because of my insecurities.
This is hard. So hard. But I'm a work in progress and I'm putting a real effort in Every. Single. Day.
......so next time you look through your newsfeed and you find yourself thinking "there she goes....fishing for compliments again" you can kindly remove yourself from my page - I need people in my life who will motivate me, keep me accountable, and let me inspire and motivate them too!
