Feeling discouraged.

How many times am I going to have to get back to this spot before I break the cycle?

You know what cycle I'm talking about......

"I feel so good! I'm happy, I look great" *insert downward spiral here* "what have I done to myself? I feel like crap, discouraged, discouraged, discouraged....." *insert super motivated self loving mode here* 

And so on...

I'm discouraged. I'm sad. I'm disappointed in myself.

I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do - just 6 months ago I was the encouraging one promoting self-love and scolding my clients when they'd spew the self-hate bullshit. 

I feel like I'm making ZERO progress , and today when I had to step on the scale again I just crumbled. I know, I know, I said I wasnt going to do that anymore - but this time I had to for fitness info purposes. 

*deep breath*

I'm breaking the cycle - starting today. No more tears, no more self-hate.    

Only encouraging words from here on out! I KNOW I can do this...I've done it before. 

Now just to keep myself from falling down that *downward spiral* again

Just a harmless cheat night......

Uuuuugh! I'm feelin it BIG TIME. 

We decided to go out last night for Cris' sr. b lacrosse draft, so I figured I'd have some drinks with our friends and enjoy some pub goodies. 

BIG...no...HUGE mistake. 

My poor body. 

After eating so clean and only having a few small glasses of wine in the last while, my body must have thought I was poisoning it. Well, I guess I kinda was.

There's nothing wrong with allowing yourself a treat now and then, don't get me wrong, but this sure taught me a lesson in over endulgence. Nothing's worse than a hangover AND a tummy ache due to all the poor food choices. 

Tomorrow I'm gonna treat my body to a fantastic double workout, and some super clean & delicious eats. 

Change!! I can feel it!

I'm so sore today!

My legs have hurt for the past 3 days, my core is super tight, and today my shoulders are tender....

But MAN do I feel good today! When I put on my yoga pants they were loose in the hips, my "squat bum" is turning into something other than a "diddly squat" bum (heh. that just came to me! But seriously I've always had a flat a$$) and my arms - I can see my muscles again! HALLELUJAH! 

Let me tell you, I've dreaded my workouts for the past 3 days. I've been tired, dealing with sick kids all week, sore as heck....but I still did it, and I can't even explain how much better I felt after I sweat it out. 

I feel so glad to have gotten off my butt, and pushed through even when I felt like doing nothing but lying on my couch with a book! 

If you're having a tough day today, and you really don't feel like working out this is for you: 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!! 

A little rant....

This morning a local radio station posted a photo of the new winner of "The Biggest Loser", asking if she'd done a good job or lost too much.

I expected there'd be differing opinions, and I'm not 100% on board with how TBL does things - but this woman worked hard, pushed through sweat & tears, and some of the comments on there were so incredibly hurtful and rude.
We should be patting her on the back, congratulating her!

When id reached my 30lb loss, I weighed 130-132lbs - and I was constantly being met with comments like "you're getting to skinny!", "definitely don't lose anymore weight", "yikes - are those ribs I see?".....and so on.

Those comments can be just as hurtful and damaging as "fat" comments to someone who is over weight.

Who are we to judge ANYONE? Why do we always feel like we have some right to voice our opinions on someone else's body? I realize she put herself out there by going on a tv show that millions of people watch - but can you imagine how hard that was for her? Imagine walking out onto a stage in Rexall place in just your underwear - letting all of your insecurities hang out. The people who go on shows like this have hit rock bottom, they no longer know what else to do. Good for them for even getting out there and attempting to make a change - there are SO many people struggling with their health, not knowing where to start...they're scared and intimidated by the thought of walking into a gym, let alone going on a tv show!  We need to HELP these people.....if you wanna sit back and judge "obese" people, try encouraging them - don't keep judging them as soon as they do something about it!

Worry about your own health....next time you want to make mean, insensitive comments about someone else's body, imagine being in their position.  How would you feel?

/end rant.

Taking control of my happiness, once and for all!

I stepped on the scale today.....

Why? Ugh! Why do I do that to myself every dang time......

It's torture, it's cruel...you can know deep down that the number on the scale doesn't mean anything, you can be feeling great and making changes, but when you look down and see those numbers you've been dreading so much, you can't help but beat yourself up!


I'm DONE letting these numbers determine my happiness, I'm DONE stressing over calories and steps and minutes - they're all just NUMBERS! They will not change how I feel.

Scale - gone
MFP - not touchin it
HRM - buh bye!

I am going to continue to work hard and fuel my body with what it needs, when I need it! I have the knowledge to help me make the right choices - now it's on me to make sure that happens.


I won't let numbers determine my happiness  


Not anymore!


That new found energy, the way my pants fit me just right, those sexy muscles I can see coming back.......

I'm gonna let THAT fuel me - that'll be my motivation - THAT is why I do what I do - not for some silly number <3

I owe it to myself......

I'm tired today. Exhausted, actually.....

For the last 2 weeks we've been dealing with sickness - everything from the tummy flu, to a nasty cough -  and this week looks like it's not going to be much different! I tell myself constantly, "if you get up before the kids you can get your workout over with, and it'll give you more energy", then I have a night like last night. Ty was up every hour coughing so hard he'd nearly get sick, he was in my bed, out of my bed, in my bed, out....I got NO sleep. Needless to say, when my alarm went off this morning there was no way I was getting up to workout.

Now, in the past I'd have used my lack of sleep as an excuse to not workout at all, telling myself "ill do it tomorrow - I'm sure tonight will be better", and then continuing this pattern day after day. Not anymore! My workout will be done today, and I'll do it knowing that I'm going to feel better afterward....I always do!

"I owe it to myself, and my kids, to take some time for me today!"

That is something I'm going to remind myself of Every. Single. Day.
My whole family deserves the best "me", and I know that after an hour of sweating it out I'm in a much better place mentally :)

If you're struggling like I am today, hopefully you find this helpful!


Oh - and one last thing. I've been asked to break down my first post, go into more details about my struggles throughout the years. I will be doing this eventually, it'll just take some time to write it all out.

Have a Great day!

There she goes.....fishing for compliments again....

As most of you know, In the last year and a half  I've put a huge emphasis on "fitness" in my life. I've shared my journey on a group facebook page, Instagram, and even my personal page.
Like anyone else who's put themselves out there in the public eye, I've been met with both praise, and a whole lot of criticism...

Today I'm going to address some of those criticisms by telling the story of why I started my fitness journey - what caused me to "fall off the wagon" - and the reason I'm getting back up and never letting anything push me down again! 

Most people have a story where they were bullied or called names, but for the most part, mine isn't like that.....I don't even really know where my insecurities come from - they've just always been there. Could it have been the struggles I saw my mom go through when I was younger?Could it be the things I heard my friends say? Could it be an influence from the media or the pictures of super models that id clip out from the magazines? Sure....that could all play a part in it... 

Let's jump right to grade 6 - I was the chunky girl. All of my friends were tiny and pretty, and I was the girl struggling to fit into the jeans my mom just ordered for me from seats....nobody really commented on it, but I knew it. 
Moving into high school my self esteem issues only became more severe, it wasn't that my friends were more "popular" with the boys or that I was bullied - I was just never the "thin & pretty" friend. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, I wore big baggy sweaters & jeans to cover my body, and getting into a pair of shorts for gym class was mortifying....

I didn't eat a lot, I started limiting myself to about 600 calories a day, and I hoped that would help. It didn't, of course...when I looked in the mirror, I still hated the person I saw looking back at me. 

In grade 10 we moved to a small town, where I met a lot of great friends.....I confided in one of these friends about how I was feeling, and found that she felt the same way - I was BLOWN AWAY by this. This girl was (is) gorgeous - if you looked up the perfect body that every girl wants - you would have found a photo of her......this only made things worse for me...and heres where things got really messy. 
She taught me about "purging", and this became an addiction for me - this is something nobody knew, most people STILL don't know. 

It was grade 11 when I started "purging" ....for a whole year, I couldn't keep food in my stomach for more than an hour without feeling like I was going to gain 10lbs on the spot - not only that but I became involved with an abusive guy who not only compared me to every other girl, but also made sure to point out every flaw I had. He'd pinch my love handle until it was bruised, saying "well if you'd get off your ass or eat a little less you wouldn't HAVE this to grab"
It was horrible - just a very sad and scary time in my life. At that point, there was nothing that I could've done to make it better. 

It wasn't until I got pregnant (at 17 - not with the abusive douche) and had my daughter that i realized I had to get healthy and do this the right way. It wasn't at all about being "skinny" it was about being FIT. being healthy......The thought of having my daughter(s) treat themselves the way id been treating myself absolutely terrified me. To make a long (10 years long) story short, I started working out, but was still never fully happy with my body or my appearance........I was like a yoyo. I'd get "fit", fall of the wagon, gain weight, and start the cycle all over again. 

In late 2012 I hit my highest weight (168) without being pregnant, and decided enough was enough! I started eating clean, working out, and finally got to a place where I felt comfortable! I had never felt so good in my life. I was happy, confident, and I felt beautiful! it helps to have such an amazingly supportive man in my life :)

I started posting what I was doing and my progress to keep myself accountable - and then I was hit with a whole other slew of issues....people would comment on my photos telling me to stop fishing for compliments, accusing me of "starving myself", complaining that I was bragging and trying to bring the people who were struggling with their weight down, etc etc. When in reality, I was TRYING to do the exact opposite. I wanted to motivate, I wanted to be an inspiration.....this is where I fell off the wagon, again. 

We started going through some really stressful times financially. I was working two jobs, trying to keep myself on track, tending to kids, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got really sick (burnt out), depressed, and I just stopped caring. 
Looking back I wish I would have just slowed down, kept taking care of myself, and realized that if I would've kept doing that, I wouldn't have gone into such a deep depression. Working out does so much more for you than just improving your physical health, it does wonders for your mental health too. It's not about being "skinny" - I want to be FIT - I want to be HEALTHY! 

All of that brings us to now....I'm making a commitment to myself, and my family..I'm going to work hard to become the best ME I can be! I want to be a positive influence in my kids lives. I want to show my girls how to grow up to be healthy girls, and teach them why it's so important to love themselves - and same with my boys....I'm making a commitment to Cris -  to love myself the way he loves me, not hide away because of my insecurities. 

This is hard. So hard. But I'm a work in progress and I'm putting a real effort in Every. Single. Day. 

......so next time you look through your newsfeed and you find yourself thinking "there she goes....fishing for compliments again" you can kindly remove yourself from my page - I need people in my life who will motivate me, keep me accountable, and let me inspire and motivate them  too!